Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
