New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
