TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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