Did you just see the Batmobile???
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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