someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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