Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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