he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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