there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
