well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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