Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I will pee on everything he values.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
