the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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