My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I want to fling myself into the sun
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
