Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
