Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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