I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
