I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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