I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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