My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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