The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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