Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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