If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
