tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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