I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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