I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We are all done wearing pants today
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
