do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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