apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
