I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Boobs speak an international language.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
