also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
