watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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