Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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