I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
