i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
