tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
