went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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