so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
