My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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