So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
