I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
