Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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