Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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