Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
