He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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