Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i will never coherently bang her
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
