Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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