Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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