I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
