there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
