my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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