Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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