I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he shaved USA in his pubs
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
