Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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