My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
