Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
