he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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