We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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