why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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