they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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