My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My ass is underappreciated
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
